Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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