textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.