My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed