the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
These 27 Creepy People Did The Craziest Things To Prove Their Love
We need to rekindle our bromance
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
just got permission to expense a nerf gun