I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
