I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
