I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
