I just saw a hot homeless man
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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