Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
