I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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