My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
