he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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