i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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