I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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