he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
