she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
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just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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