Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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