I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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