you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
