I'm gonna have a badass scar
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
