I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
