I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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