I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
