don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
