u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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