he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
