The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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