Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
