woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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