i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
