So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
