Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
