TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
