Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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