If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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