Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
