he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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