I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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