Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
