peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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