Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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