Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
