I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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