Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
