nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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