Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
