Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
