I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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