chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
