She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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