Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
