OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
