My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
