What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
