When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't deserve a penis
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
