I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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