so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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