I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
