You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
