Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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